I
like this acronym for HOPE and thought I’d share.
H-hold
O-on
P-pain
E-ends
(or becomes manageable)
When
you love an active addict, or are living with the ongoing consequences left in
the wake of addiction, the pain doesn’t exactly end, at least it hasn’t for me,
but it has become manageable. It has
been a process, and there have been many times when I have had to force myself
to get out of bed, and I have cried an ocean of tears. There was even a period
of time when I thought it would be okay if I just died. The pain was just too
much. But with God’s help I am making it through my son’s prison term one day
at a time. And so is he. The first time
I visited him “behind the walls” I felt as if I had been punched in the gut,
but the visits become easier as time goes by.
It’s
really almost surreal when I visit him.
There are families there playing board games, laughing, and eating terrible
vending machine food as if it were just another family get together. And as I look around I realize that each
inmate, each loved one, has a story just as painful as ours- maybe more so. Some
of the guards are very nice, and some are arrogant and treat even the visitors
as if they have committed some crime. I
have to mentally “prime” myself each time I go visit because I know my son
doesn’t need me to be stressed out and sad when I visit. So, I put on my game
face, arm myself with a positive attitude, and I treasure each moment I have
with him. The positive I find in this
whole mess is that he's clean, and when I talk to him it is my son, not the
addiction I’m talking with. No, he will
never be the same and neither will I, but both of us are hanging onto our faith
and as long as we both continue believing, we will make it through.
