“In the hour of adversity, be not without
hope. For crystal rain falls from black
clouds.” Persian Poem
The past several months have for sure been “the hour of adversity” for my son
and I. There have been hearings, each of
which I dread, and long road trips so I can be there to support my son. I’m not going to lie and say that I have
enough control over my emotions to be completely at peace and accepting of all
that has happened. There have been days
when I have been lost in an abyss of despair.
At times I have let frustration with my powerlessness over my son’s
future get the better of me, and I have found myself becoming impatient and
irritable with members of my family.
But, as I evolve through this process, I also find times when I have
glimpses of hope, joy, and peace within my soul. Like tiny candles in the window in the middle
of the darkest night, these glimpses help me hang on and make it through each
day. There have been times when I
have felt so close to Jesus that I can feel His arms around me, comforting me,
telling me it will be okay, and that He will help both my son and myself
through this. Then, there have been
times when I’ve cried out in my anguish and felt nothing but alone. Despite it all, my faith won’t be shaken, and
I know down deep in my soul that the Lord’s heart breaks right along with
mine, and that He loves my son and I with a love that is too big for me to ever
understand. That knowledge is what gets me through. I know that God did not cause this. The Lord
gave us free will, and He will not take that away from us, even when we make
choices that He knows will harm us. When I catch myself worrying for my son, if
I can stop and picture the Lord walking beside him, or holding him, it gives me
such great comfort and peace. That is
“the crystal rain” that falls “from black clouds.”
The way it looks right now, my son will be
sentenced to 18 years. Struggling to
come to terms with that has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to
do. There is a part of me that still
hopes that some miracle will happen before he is officially sentenced and he
will be granted leniency, but I have to accept that it may be a very long time
before I see my son outside of prison walls.
He has gone through his own acceptance process with this, in which he
has felt great shame for his relapse, anger, bitterness, and depression. The hope that I feel for him though, is that
he is finding a new closeness with the Lord, and is setting goals to better
himself in prison. He has a job working
in the kitchen now, which has been a blessing as it keeps his mind occupied and
he is granted extra privileges like phone calls and extended visiting
hours. He’s still in county jail, but I
have faith that the Lord will continue to help him become the person he has
always been meant to be when he is transferred to prison. His formal sentencing should take place
within the next 6 months, and after that happens he will be assigned to a
prison.
I apologize for neglecting my blog for so long. I know I should be writing about all of it, even the dark nights, because it is all part of the journey. My deepest respect goes to those of you who share it all, even in the midst of great suffering.
