I talked with my son yesterday and he dropped a bomb on me. He has decided that he wants to marry his girlfriend (GF). Apparently a common law marriage can take place in jail with just their signatures and a notary. His GF was arrested with him and faces the same charges, although he’s trying to take all the blame on himself and say the drugs were his. Anybody who knows his GF knows that she’s been using right along with him for the past year, but that's another story. However, she will probably get a much lighter sentence than my son, because she has no prior convictions and when they were arrested they were in his car, which was also their “home.”
Just a little of their history. About a year ago, they both jumped into the relationship head first and became intimate right away, before really getting to know each other. They both lost their jobs within a few weeks of getting together. She was on disability which paid their bills and pretty much enabled them to sleep all day and party all night. When the infatuation wore off, they began arguing and my son was no longer happy in the relationship. In fact he was pretty miserable. I know that he truly cared for her, but why stay in a relationship that is full of so much conflict? I couldn’t figure out at the time why he stayed because I was still in denial about his drug use, but now I get it. I think by this time meth had so completely taken control that he didn’t have the willpower to leave that lifestyle and get a job. It’s hard to keep a job when meth is at the wheel. They split up about a month before he was arrested. My son told me he knew that they were not right for each other and that he had made the right decision in leaving. GF didn’t want the split and pursued him. They got back together just days before they were arrested.
There are so many reasons that the two of them should not get married, I can’t even begin to name them all. Here are just a few:
- · She is an addict too
- · If the prison my son is sent to allows conjugal visits she could get pregnant
- · She already lost custody of her son because of her drug use
- · I don’t think my son is wanting to marry her out of love, but rather out of fear of being alone
My dilemma is this, do I tell him about my doubts and feelings about this marriage? I know that I need to "accept what I cannot change," and I will if he goes through with this marriage. However, I wonder if I will have regrets later if I don't voice my feelings. I was so shocked when he told me his news on the phone and I didn’t know how to react. He sounded so happy when he told me about wanting to get married, and I could tell that he really wanted me to be happy about it too. I hate to cast a shadow on this one bright spot he has in his life right now, but I really don’t believe he’s thinking clearly. Right now they’re just seeing each other in passing at the jail. They’re using their own little sign language to communicate, hence the marriage proposal. It’s easy to “love” somebody when you’re not spending any time together and living with each other’s flaws and the personality conflicts. I think he is seeing their relationship through rose-colored glasses right now. My biggest fear is that she would become pregnant, and then relapse. I don’t even want to think about the nightmare that would present.
I’m sorry for the long, detailed vent. I know if he has made up his mind to do this, that he will do it no matter what I say. I’ll be saying the serenity prayer…….a lot. I’m praying for wisdom on how to handle this.