“When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on-or you will be taught how to fly.” Patrick Overton
So, here I am- standing “in the darkness of the unknown.” For somebody who used to think she had some kind of control over anything or anybody outside of herself (that would be me) the unknown is a frightening place to be. I take comfort in knowing that my son and I don’t stand there alone. The Lord is right there with us, and He will either give us something to stand on, or teach us to fly.
My trip to my son’s “hearing” was pretty anti-climactic. My son’s attorney decided it would be best for him to waive his right to a preliminary hearing. I’m not an attorney, but after listening to his reasoning behind this decision, it made sense to me. His arraignment is scheduled for next week. That is when he will enter his plea. The sentencing hearing will be 1-2 months after he enters his plea. Here is where I really have to trust the Lord’s will. The court appearance was a cold reminder of the serious trouble my son is in, so I really had to work hard at turning it over to the Lord as I left the courtroom. I didn’t get to talk to my son at all, and it’s so hard to see him in those awful orange coveralls. We communicate through email and he is fighting hard against fear right now. He’s hanging onto his faith, but he’s scared of the unknown. I’m sure every POA out there can relate to how hard it is to stand by helplessly when somebody we love is afraid. I have to accept my powerlessness over that right now.
As I sat in the courtroom, there was a group of law students observing the proceedings for the day. In between hearings, they sat and giggled and visited like college students do. There I sat, waiting anxiously for my son’s appearance and they, of course, were just being kids. This was just another court case to them….no big deal. The contrast between their lives, and my son’s life right now, did not escape me. I had to fight off feelings of sadness that my son isn’t enjoying his young life, and remind myself that sometimes we have to go through great pain to get to where the Lord needs us to be. Acceptance. Fighting against the reality of his situation right now is futile. I can’t be positive and encouraging to my son if I let negative thoughts and regrets take over my thinking. So, I allowed myself to feel the sadness, and I prayed. On the long drive home, as I prayed, I found the peace that could only come from the Lord. He’s teaching me how to fly.