Visiting my son in jail.

I went to visit my son at the county jail on Monday.  I was anxious on the 3 hour drive there.  Anxious that he would be sullen, angry, or depressed-or even worse that he had turned his back on God.  I prayed and listened to K-Love Christian radio as I drove, and it helped.  Many of my fears were relieved when I saw my son.  Although it’s painful to see him in that orange jumpsuit again, he looked better and was in better spirits than I had anticipated.  He was not angry or bitter, or blaming anyone other than himself for his relapse and arrest.  Of course he is anxious and worried about the possibility of spending so many years in prison, but he is holding onto his faith.  The first words he spoke to me were “I’m sorry.”  He spoke of how he knows the Lord has forgiven him, but he is having a hard time forgiving himself.  It was so hard to sit there and watch him suffer, and be unable to hug him.  I pray that he will come to a place of self-forgiveness so that he may find some peace.  I had taken a copy of the Recovery Bible to give him but was told I couldn’t give him anything at all, that it would have to be mailed from a third-party, like Amazon.  Frustrating, but then I have to remind myself that it’s jail, and there will be many rules and regulations that we will both have to accept. 

In other news, his wife, who was arrested with him a year ago, had her hearing last week.  She was given 5 years probation, but with the stipulation that she have no contact with my son.  That is one of the reasons I was so worried about my son’s state of mind.  I was afraid it would take away his last ounce of hope.  I am learning that hope is so very important right now. She was able to speak with her probation officer though, who told her that if she is doing well in 3-6 months they might be able to get the no-contact stipulation amended.  I pray that will happen, as I have come to believe that she truly does love my son. 

There are so many things I am powerless over right now.  So, I continue to work on acceptance and surrender.  I know that the Lord is in charge and that He loves my son and walks with him through this dark valley.

A letter from the Lord

I found this article in the "Forum" magazine, which is published by Alanon.  It is what one mother believes the Lord would say to her about her son.  I plan to put this in a spot where I will read it every day.  I love this, and I just wept when I read it.

"Dear (Put your name here).

You want to hear from Me about letting your son go.  You are not abandoning him, as much as it may feel like it.  You are simply transferring his well being from your care to Mine.  

It was never My intention for you to direct, guide, and control his life.  That is My role.  Yours in the beginning was to love him, protect him, and teach him.  You've done that.  He was never yours to keep.

To have peace, you must let him go.  Your stubborn self-will only gets in the way of the plans I have for him.

I know it is not your intention to interfere, but you are.  You are not all-wise and all-powerful.  You cannot remove his disease.  You cannot love him to wellness.  Only I can do that.  

You must trust that I care for your sons well being.  You must trust that I love him more than your humanly love.  My thoughts, My ways, My plans are bigger than you can comprehend.  Your lives are so short, yet you waste so much in worry and fear.

Yes, your son may cut his life short.  That is not My intention, but it is his choice.  He must trust Me also, and seek to have a relationship with Me.  Only then can I work in his life.  I will not force Myself on him or you.  I am more than willing to be involved in your lives, but only to the degree that you let Me.  We both know what a struggle trusting Me has been for you.

You can't make it any easier for your son to trust Me.  He has to find Me on his own, and he's doing that to the best of his ability.  Let him do that.  Get out of the way.  Love him as My child, the way I love you.  But let him go so that he can be himself, whoever that may be.

We are in this together.  You can come to Me anytime to tell Me your worries and concerns.  I will listen.  I always have.  But I may choose to be silent.  That is My way of stretching you and growing you.

I know you love your son, and I love you for that.  But ultimately, he is My child and I know what is best for him.  Entrust him to Me and you will grow.  You will find the peace you want.  You have so much in your own life to focus on.  Focus on growing yourself, and let Me worry about your son.  

Loving you always,

Your Higher Power"

Two Boxes

I picked up my son’s belongings today, and was overwhelmed with sadness when I saw that everything he owns fits into two boxes. He turns 30 this year, and all of his belongings fit into TWO BOXES.  I just can’t take it in. Those two boxes that sit in my shed represent the terrible toll that addiction takes on people’s lives.  It is insidious and merciless.

I still haven’t talked to him because I can’t call and request to talk to him at the jail, so I have to wait for him to call me. The fact that he hasn’t called me speaks volumes about his emotional state right now.  I spoke with a pastor who has visited him, and he told me that my son is an emotional wreck.  Now that he is no longer high, he is realizing the huge mistake he made, and is embarrassed and in despair.  He is looking at a possibility of 20 years in prison. As he was growing up, a hug and a Band-Aid would fix almost anything, but nothing can fix this. I’m heartbroken about his relapse, and I want nothing more than to hug him and take his pain away. I plan to go visit him on Monday, but  the most I’ll be able to do when I see him is look at him through glass as I talk to him on the phone. It is a helpless feeling.  

Even as I struggle with my weakness, my faith will not be shaken.  The Lord will help my son and I get through this.   Evil may have won this round, but it will not win the war.