“In the hour of adversity, be not without hope. For crystal rain falls from black clouds.” Persian Poem
The past several months have for sure been “the hour of adversity” for my son and I. There have been hearings, each of which I dread, and long road trips so I can be there to support my son. I’m not going to lie and say that I have enough control over my emotions to be completely at peace and accepting of all that has happened. There have been days when I have been lost in an abyss of despair. At times I have let frustration with my powerlessness over my son’s future get the better of me, and I have found myself becoming impatient and irritable with members of my family. But, as I evolve through this process, I also find times when I have glimpses of hope, joy, and peace within my soul. Like tiny candles in the window in the middle of the darkest night, these glimpses help me hang on and make it through each day. There have been times when I have felt so close to Jesus that I can feel His arms around me, comforting me, telling me it will be okay, and that He will help both my son and myself through this. Then, there have been times when I’ve cried out in my anguish and felt nothing but alone. Despite it all, my faith won’t be shaken, and I know down deep in my soul that the Lord’s heart breaks right along with mine, and that He loves my son and I with a love that is too big for me to ever understand. That knowledge is what gets me through. I know that God did not cause this. The Lord gave us free will, and He will not take that away from us, even when we make choices that He knows will harm us. When I catch myself worrying for my son, if I can stop and picture the Lord walking beside him, or holding him, it gives me such great comfort and peace. That is “the crystal rain” that falls “from black clouds.”
The way it looks right now, my son will be sentenced to 18 years. Struggling to come to terms with that has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. There is a part of me that still hopes that some miracle will happen before he is officially sentenced and he will be granted leniency, but I have to accept that it may be a very long time before I see my son outside of prison walls. He has gone through his own acceptance process with this, in which he has felt great shame for his relapse, anger, bitterness, and depression. The hope that I feel for him though, is that he is finding a new closeness with the Lord, and is setting goals to better himself in prison. He has a job working in the kitchen now, which has been a blessing as it keeps his mind occupied and he is granted extra privileges like phone calls and extended visiting hours. He’s still in county jail, but I have faith that the Lord will continue to help him become the person he has always been meant to be when he is transferred to prison. His formal sentencing should take place within the next 6 months, and after that happens he will be assigned to a prison.
I apologize for neglecting my blog for so long. I know I should be writing about all of it, even the dark nights, because it is all part of the journey. My deepest respect goes to those of you who share it all, even in the midst of great suffering.