The
past month has been a whirlwind of emotions.
I’ve had ups, and I’ve had downs, and everything in between. I am finding though, that the ups are
starting to happen more often. That’s
progress. I’m slowly coming to a place
of surrender and acceptance. Sometimes though, just when I think I’m there, I
backslide and find myself down in the pit again, but that’s all part of the
process. I’m learning to give myself
permission to have whatever feelings I’m having at the time as long as I don’t
get stuck in one spot for too long. I’m
learning that it’s ok to find joy in my life even though my son is in the midst
of one of the biggest, and most painful experiences of his life. Wallowing in sorrow will do neither of us any
good. I’m learning to plaster a smile on
my face and stay upbeat, positive, and cheerful when I visit him in jail, even
though my heart is breaking. He needs
that.
The
Lord is working in my son’s life and in my life. Jesus promised He would take what is meant
for our harm, and make it work for our good, and He is staying true to His
promise. My son, of course, still has
dark, crushing days, when it’s hard for him to hold onto his faith. But in the midst of it all his faith is
strengthening and he is maturing. So, I
hold onto my faith and hope, and I keep on keepin’ on, and trying my best to
take one day at a time.
I
found this prayer on the Proverbs 31 Ministry site, and I wanted to share. I use it when I’m having one of those
sleepless nights. It is in the darkness
that I have the hardest time stilling my anxious thoughts.
Dear Lord,
I'm wide awake tonight, facing fear yet again.
A thousand different ones taunt me. The
"What If's" are overwhelming. My heart is racing and anxiety is
coursing through my veins. It's hard to stay still, yet I know it's in the
quiet that You speak and I hear.
Help me please. Calm my heart, mind,
emotions and nerves God. Grant me shelter under Your safe haven. In Jesus'
Name, amen.
"Let the beloved of the LORD rest
secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves
rests between his shoulders." ~Deut. 33:12
That's a lovely prayer. It's true, nighttime is when those harmful, painful reveries happen. I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little better.Keep plugging away and keeping your faith and your smile. This won't last forever. I'll remember you and your son in my prayers, too. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks Lori. Your Friday Frags help me keep my smile. Don't ever stop. We have to keep our sense of humor, or go crazy. The choice is ours. Thanks for the prayers.
DeleteI feel so much guilt when I find myself laughing out loud or having a moment of contentment. It's a hard thing to overcome, accepting that we are allowed happiness even if our kids have not found theirs.
ReplyDeleteI love this prayer, thank you for posting it!
Oh, the "mommy guilt" about feeing joy when our children are suffering. It's painful. In the beginning, I would feel guilty about eating out, enjoying a movie, going for a walk and enjoying the fresh air, you name it. I felt like I shouldn't be enjoying my life while my son suffered. That is not God's wish for us. I can't help my son, or fulfill God's purpose for me if I'm walking around in a funk all the time.
DeleteI'm glad you liked the prayer. I'm sure there's not a POA out there who hasn't had sleepless nights.
I love this prayer, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteIsn't this just the perfect prayer for every POA? I'm glad you like it.
DeleteI'm right where you are my friend. My son may go away for a long time. I try to keep moving forward and I feel my feelings as I go. I try to tamp down one, though. The fear that at 25, my son may not see the outside of a prison for many years. That one I can't feel right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Sheri. Feel free to email me if you want to talk privately. The idea of my son spending the best of his young life in prison is something that I have struggled with, and had to come to terms with. It's excruciating. Not to mention that I have to accept that I may never see him again, in this world, outside of prison walls. It's the harshest reality I've ever had to face. When we meet in heaven there will be no prison walls. Praying for you and your son, Sheri.
DeleteDid you ever see the movie Flight? I have to give the end away to say this....at the end when Denzel Washington is in prison and says, "I know this sounds strange coming from someone who is locked up, but I have never been more free" makes me cry, like embarrassing cry. It is so true. When we know the forgiveness and deliverance of God, we can be free anywhere. However, that does not take away from how difficult and painful it is for the mama's of those kids who are finding their way to that spiritual freedom. Its such a painful and difficult process to watch. I am sorry for that and know that you and your boy will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't going to watch this movie until I saw your post. I knew that it was about addiction, and I figured I was living enough of that particular brand of hell for real in my own life. I watched it after I read your post, and I'm glad I did. It actually gave me peace when he said "I've never been more free." It's true that addiction causes it's own awful type of prison. Even if there are no physical jail-cell bars, if the addict is actively using he/she is not free, but instead is held captive by the addiction. Thanks for your post, Annette.
DeleteJust wanted to let you know I have been thinking about you and your son. You haven't posted in ages, I hope everything is okay.
ReplyDeleteThanks for checking, Summer. Sorry I've neglected my blog for so long. You and your son are still in my daily prayers.
Delete