Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Somebody please wake me up.....

Sometimes I feel as if I’m living in the middle of a bad dream. Everything involving my son right now just seems so surreal.  Just when I think I’ve come to grips with the fact that my son is probably going to spend the next several years of his life in prison, something triggers my anxiety and I feel like I’m back at square one.  It reminds me of the feelings I had when my sister, father and brother passed away suddenly.  I just couldn’t take it in.  It didn’t seem real.  

 My son’s final sentencing hearing is scheduled for the end of this month, on my sister’s birthday. The closer the date of the hearing is, the more anxiety tries to suck all of the joy out of my life.  Accepting that my son is going to prison, is accepting a loss.  A loss of the dreams I had for him.  So, I guess it’s just an ongoing process, just like the grieving process.  I know from past experiences with grieving that it will take time, and there will be good days and bad days.  The bad days really stink.  There are very few days that I don’t cry a little.  Sometimes the sadness of what my son must face just needs to be released through tears.

It helps when I remind myself that there are many things to be thankful for in the middle of all of this.  A few weeks ago, a young man in our community nearly froze to death as a result of his addiction.  He survived, but had amputations due to frostbite. His parents are good people who have been through a living hell with him.   I know if my son were actively using and out on the streets he would be in danger every single day, and that I probably wouldn’t know where he was located, or if he was even alive. At least now I know where he is, and when I talk to him now, it’s my son I’m talking to, not the addiction.  For that, I am grateful.  With God’s help, I will keep using gratitude and the knowledge of His love for both my son and me to get through the next few years.  I know the Lord will bring good from this, it's just that getting there is so hard.


  1. It's really hard but one thing that kept me going was the belief I have that in every circumstance there can be found a good.

    Sometimes it was impossible to believe there was anything good in my sons addiction but I have learned to look deeply and learned to separate things and to peel back the onion so to speak.

    Just remember, you are not alone. Reach out to others. Sometimes they need to pick you up and sometimes you find that by reaching out you learn that you are the strong one.

    1. Thank you. I have so much respect for you and what you've done to bring public awareness to the reality of addiction. Your blog was the first one I found when I started searching for answers. Reading your words helped me learn that I'm not alone, and that there are way too many of us out there fighting the monster and the devastation it leaves in its wake.

  2. I'm not completely sure how I got here, but I sincerely feel your ache through your words. I can't begin to understand what you must be going through. However, I know someone who does. As you well stated, our Savior has gone through this so that He will know how to succor His people.
    Gratitude is such a great part of it, but I feel that perhaps merely focusing on being and doing something that will take our minds away from our current situations will probably result in denial and even resentment to the things we go through.
    A friend of mine recently wrote about an experience of his. He doesn't really have children, but he explained how a really hard experience was accepted and overcome through the Savior. He asked if love could really save him. I feel like you are already awake. And now it's time to accept what He has to offer for you and your son. Be strong! But most importantly, embrace His love.
    If you want to read what he said, here's a link: http://goo.gl/ZVxigq
    Keep holding on! My prayers are with you!

    1. Maybe the Lord led you to my blog for a reason. There are so many small moments in our lives that don't seem to make any sense at the time, but we come to understand in time why they happened. Thank you for your prayers, and your words of encouragement.

  3. I know what you mean. There are times I look at the things that have happened in my life due to my son's addiction and feel like I'm in a movie or a nightmare...this can't be my life, right? I hope you can find peace in whatever your son's sentence will be. Sometimes prison can be what shakes someone up enough to change. Let's hope and pray that for your son.

  4. 8 years of hopeless addiction no end in sight jail looks good right now

    My war weary advice is to do what you can to save yourself and put some loving distance between you and your son.

  5. That is a very tense situation that you were faced with. Sentencing has a way of cutting into families and lives, which is why mechanisms such as bail are such a relief. The verdict has been done with by this point, but there's no reason for you to be shacked by it. Anyway, I hope you are doing well now.

    Eliseo Weinstein @ JR's Bail Bonds