He lost his job

“I pray that I may learn it is not my function to direct or control another person, however close to me.  I will also cease to be a crutch.  I can live nobody’s life but my own.”   One Day At A Time in Alanon

A couple of weeks ago I had one of “those” days.  We all have them.  A day when  we get knocked down, and then somebody comes along to kick us in the gut before we get up.  A day when I had to gather all of my strength and hand things over to the Lord.  It began with my husband telling me in the morning that he had lost his full-time job due to a company sell-out, and would be working only part-time, cutting our income in half.  It ended with my son calling to tell me he had lost his job because he had gone over his “points” in his employer’s point system for absences and tardies.  He was distraught and in tears, and my heart ached for him.  He had missed a few days that I know of because of court dates and doctor’s appointments, and he says that’s what put him over.  He has a court date next week and I’m very concerned that, if he doesn’t have another job by then it will not go well for him.  He knows this as well as I do, so I’ve decided to bite my tongue and not remind him of that when we talk.  However, he hasn’t returned my phone calls for the past week, so I’m not sure when we will talk again.  Of course, the fact that he lost his job, and isn’t returning my phone calls are red flags for me, and I’m fighting off the familiar anxiety that goes along with these changes.  I read the quote I opened with in my book of daily Alanon readings, and I’m seeing the great wisdom in those words.  I am completely powerless over my son’s actions, I’m in the process of accepting that, although there is still a tiny part of me that doesn’t want to let go. It's just so stinking hard to completely let go. I've lived my entire life being a "fixer," and I can't fix this.  I am working very hard on remaining calm and trusting in the knowledge that the Lord loves my son and is trying to help him, and that He loves me too, and will provide no matter what the future holds.  He always has.

I found this prayer at just the right time, and I wanted to share:

“Dear Lord, even though this situation feels out of control, You remain in control. I can't help how others act, but I can choose to remain calm. Because You are God. You are MY God. And You are powerful, peaceful, and good, all the time. In Jesus' Name, amen.”  Prayer from Proverbs 31 Ministries

Free download of The Healing Game, written by a fellow POA

The Healing Game will be offered as a FREE download at Amazon’s Kindle Store today Tues February 26, 2013 http://amzn.com/B00AUIDY78

If you don't have a Kindle, you can download a free app for you PC or Mac that will allow you to download Bill's book.

I haven't had a chance to read the entire book yet, but I follow Bill's blog and he is an exceptional writer who has much wisdom to share.  

Not the best news we've ever had, but we're holding on to hope.

My son got some potentially bad news from his attorney recently.  In my last post I wrote about how well his status hearing went, and that the character reference letters that several people had written on his behalf were to be presented to the prosecuting attorney.  After the prosecutor reviewed the letters he sent an email to my son’s attorney stating that no leniency would be granted.  The prosecutor is known as a “by the book” type of guy so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  But both my son and I had our hopes up after his hearing, so this came as quite a blow.  My son admitted to me that after he read the letter he just wanted to say, “screw it all” and go score something to take away his pain.  He was able to resist the temptation, but it was a reminder of how near to the surface the siren’s call of the addiction lies.  It waits, like a vulture circling its prey, to pounce on a reason to become active again.  My son was able to work through it and decided to stay on the path he is on, keep doing the right thing, and hope that the judge will show mercy.  I am so proud of his determination to fight this demon.

I understand that there are legal consequences for breaking the law, as there should be.  However, if an addict is fighting hard to break the chains of addiction and lead a sober life as a productive citizen, what is the purpose of prison?  Will prison help in the recovery process?  I think not.  Now, I truly do believe that my son’s arrest was an intervention by the Lord to save his life and I don’t regret that he was arrested.  Even my son feels that his arrest saved his life.  But if the purpose of prison is to rehabilitate folks so they won’t commit further crimes, it would seem to me that it would be defeating the purpose at this point.  It is clear from the character references written by my son’s employer, counselor, and people who know him, that he is trying his best to turn his life around.

I will not let this latest piece of news destroy me.  I will continue to have faith and trust the Lord.  I have learned, and continue to learn that I can CHOOSE to go on with my life and find comfort in knowing that the Lord loves my son and is doing all He can to help him.  I can choose serenity in acceptance of the things I am powerless over.  One of those things is the justice system.  My husband and I intend to set up a meeting with the prosecutor in hopes that he will hear us out as we tell him about the miraculous changes taking place in my son’s life, and that he will have compassion.  If he doesn’t, I’ve done all I can do, and the rest is in God’s hands.  I trust those hands, and His love for us.

Addiction stinks

I listened to my son give his testimony to a group of recovering addicts/alcoholics.    He was in town for a hearing and attended a recovery group led by a mentor that he met in jail.  I am glad I was able to hear it, but it was very painful to listen to.  I was filled with immense pride, and immense sadness all at the same time.  Pride about the fact that he is trying so hard to turn his life around, and sadness about the toll it has taken on his life.  Sadness over the years his addiction has stolen.  He spoke of how he started using when he was 16 (I had no idea the depth of his addiction), and that it seemed to be the answer to all of his teenage problems.  It seemed to magically cure his shyness, and give him confidence to socialize and meet girls.  I guess if I would have found a magic powder to cure my 16 year old insecurities I probably would have fallen victim too.  He said he became hooked the first time he used it, and that he had been using until his arrest in May.  He went from smoking to injecting, and when he lost job after job, and could no longer buy it, he started making his own.  He didn’t sell it, he made it only for his own use.  His addiction grew and worsened until he was convinced that he would die with a needle in his arm, and he didn’t care.  Death would be a release.  He no longer used the drug to get high, he used the drug to feel normal.  He couldn’t feel normal without the drug in his system.  I was struck, once again, by what an insidious and evil affliction addiction is.  So often, it claims its victims when they are young and still believe they are invincible, and won’t become addicted.  I’m sure all the forces of evil must take great delight in the lives it has been able to destroy through addiction.

My son confided in me that he has to fight temptation almost every day.  Temptation to use again and go back to the living hell that nearly destroyed him.  I’m glad that he was open with me about it, because honesty and openness is something I haven’t had from him for a very long time. Addiction is all about secrecy and lies, and he at least is being honest with me now.  But it scared the hell out of me to hear him say that he was having to fight so hard against what would surely be a path to his destruction.  He is fighting back.  Going to 12 step groups almost every evening, and talking to his sponsor. He’s going to church and praying for help to fight his demons.  Oh, how I hate addiction.  I hate that he will have to fight this every day for the rest of his life.  I hate that addiction takes so many promising young lives and destroys them.  I mostly hate the fact that I am powerless over its control over my son’s life.

I will not let the fear overtake me.  I will continue to hang onto my faith and believe.  I’ve seen enough miracles in my son’s life to know that God is helping him fight this battle.  He is not alone, and neither am I.

By the way, his hearing went well.  His attorney presented 9 character reference letters written by my son’s employers, counselors, family members and acquaintances.  He will have another status hearing in March.  Until then I will keep the faith, I will pray, and I will trust the Lord.

A New Year-The Unknown

It’s the time of year when many of us make New Year’s resolutions.  I don’t usually make formal resolutions, but there are parts of my personality that I’m working on improving.  At the Alanon meeting I attend we say the 12 Steps together each time we meet.  Step 4 is, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” One of the things I’ve had to work on the hardest in my own recovery as POA is my tendency to worry.  I don’t know if it comes from being raised as the child of an alcoholic or not, but as far back as I can remember I’ve had a hard time enjoying the present because I’ve been so busy worrying about the future.  I assigned myself the role of “fixer” in my family of origin, little knowing that it was a problem that was beyond my control to fix.   I tend to think about the worst-case scenario and then worry that it will happen.  I read somewhere that when we imagine bad things happening, our mind doesn’t know that it’s fiction and reacts as if it were really happening. My poor mind, I've put it through a lot.   Here is the definition of worry according to Dictionary.com: “to torment oneself or suffer from disturbing thoughts.”  The phrase that got me was “torment oneself.”  That pretty much says it all.  At first I was appalled to learn that I was the one responsible for my anxiety, not the circumstances of my, or anybody else’s life.  Nobody is causing my suffering; I’m doing a fine job of that myself.  The good news in that is, that if I’m the one causing it, surely I can work on controlling it.

           

            I don’t know what 2013 will bring but I’m going to do my best not to let worries about the future steal my present.   I have a long way to go in controlling my worrisome thoughts, but I have to remind myself of the phrase “progress, not perfection.” It took years to build my habit of worrying, and it’s going to take awhile to conquer.

I found the following quote and thought it was appropriate as we enter a new year.  I think it’s better that I don’t know what the future will hold, and it sure won’t do any good to fear what that may be.

I said to a man who stood at the gate of the year,

“Give me a light that I may tread safely into

the unknown.”  And he replied, “Go out into the darkness and put your hand in the hand of God.

That shall be to you better than a light

and safer than a known way.”

M. Louise Haskins

Christmas thoughts

When people ask me what I got for Christmas, I tell them the best gift was having all of my kids home and healthy.  No material gift could be better.  Parents and loved ones of addicts know exactly what I mean. 

            As we all sat together on Christmas day, I kept catching myself staring at my son like I used to when he was a baby.  When he was first placed in my arms after he was born I remember just staring at him, taking in every detail, so thankful that he was healthy.  Here we are 29 years later, and I found myself thinking those same thoughts, but for different reasons.  I was just so happy to have him healthy (sober) and home.  When we went over to my in-law’s house he met relatives that he had never met in the nine years that my husband and I have been married.  He’d never met them because when he was an active addict he was too high to socialize.  I didn’t know that at the time, so deep was my denial.  He gave each of us cards and wrote words in them straight from his heart, which is also something that has rarely happened over the past 10 years.  There was no money left over to spend on cards when he was using.

            He didn’t hook up with any of his old drug buddies, which was a huge relief.  His girlfriend did leave with her brother on Christmas Day, which could have ruined my day if I had let it.  Her brother uses.  I was glad my son didn’t go with them.  I had to make a conscious decision not to obsess over what she and her brother may have been up to.  Whether she chooses to use or not is on my “I am powerless over……” list.  I know very well that if she starts using again, my son will be faced with temptation and he will have to make tough choices.  But, like it or not, I do not control the universe.  That is the Lord’s job and He sees the big picture, while I just see my little corner. 

            So, I pray for strength to stay in the moment and find gratitude in each day that my son is sober.

Lord, give me the gift of faith…

Teach me to live this moment only,

Looking neither to the past with regret,

Nor the future with apprehension.

Let løve be my aim and my life a prayer.

Roseann Alexander-Isham