Sunday, November 11, 2012

My symptom-Anxiety

“I pray that I may not fall into the error of anticipating trouble.  If it should come, let me meet it with equanimity and love.”  One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

                        The holiday season is bittersweet.  It can, and does, stir up all kinds of emotions for me.  I have such sweet memories of holidays past, in the time of innocence and youth.  I look through old photo albums, and I’m glad I didn’t know then of the pain that addiction would bring to our future.  I’m glad I didn’t know that addiction would cost my dad his life, and that my son’s addiction would cause such suffering.

            Right now, things remain stable.  My son is working and still living in a halfway house.  I am glad that he is 180 miles away from his old “friends.” He voluntarily attends 12 step meetings and goes to church on Sunday.  I hope to be able to visit him on or near Thanksgiving.  We truly have much to be thankful for.

            So, why then do I sometimes feel this anxiety well up inside of me and squeeze my heart like a giant hand? I guess all of those drug-addicted years took their toll.  The fear and dread of late night phone calls, or even worse-the complete lack of communication that left me wondering if he was dead or alive.  Those things left scars.  Remnants of that anxiety still lingers, although at least it’s not so constant now.  I try to catch it as soon as it raises its ugly head, and whisper a quick prayer.  The Lord has been teaching me to let go and let Him.  The anxiety is my symptom of the family disease of addiction.
            As I look at the date of my last post, I realize it’s been almost a month since my last post.  It’s such a busy time of year, but I want you to know that I still read and keep up with your posts each day.  I pray for all addicts and the people who love them every day too.  I pray for comfort, healing, wisdom, strength……….and hope.


  1. I too do not think we can live through the agony and terror of addiction without it changing our lives forever. Life will never be the same again. Our lives take on a new normal. My son just received his one year coin. I am beyond grateful for that. But the fear is always with me. Educating myself and hundreds of 12 step meetings have helped but I can never forget.

    1. I'm so glad to hear about your son getting his one year coin. I think one of the things I'm learning from this whole thing is to cherish each day of sobriety. I see each drug free day that my son lives as a gift. There was a very dark time in my life when I thought I had lost him to addiction forever. I go to support group meetings too, and I really don't know what I would do without them. They have been my lifeline. Blessings to you and your son, Lisa.