Sharing a post from one of my favorite bloggers: An Addict In Our Son’s Bedroom: A Disease...You Give Yourself (stigma III)

Ron's blog is one of the first I found when I started trying to find help in dealing with my son's addiction, and his words gave me my first glimmer of hope that I might survive the pain after all.  This post is a message that needs to be heard.
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An Addict In Our Son’s Bedroom: A Disease...You Give Yourself (stigma III): Addiction, it's a disease you give yourself. When does the addict accept the responsibility for themselves and own up to that it is thei...

Father's Day.

It’s Father’s Day, a day when my heart aches for my son whose father didn’t know how to be a dad, and my own father who didn’t know how to overcome his despair.  My son mailed a Father’s Day card to me in the hopes that I could somehow get it to his dad. We divorced when the kids were in elementary school. His dad may or may not know that our son is in prison because I couldn’t locate him to tell him.  Once we divorced, his father made a half-hearted effort to be a real father and spend time with his kids and teach them all of the things fathers teach their kids.  As the kids grew older though, he just slowly disappeared from their life.  I don’t think that it’s because he didn’t love them, I think he just didn’t know how to have any kind of committed, on-going relationship with anyone, not me, and not his kids.  He never even bothered to call them or send them a card on their birthday after they reached their teens.  I always wondered how things would have been different if he had stayed more involved in their lives, but maybe nothing would have been different, that’s something I’ll never know. 

 What makes me proud today is the fact that my son is reaching out to a dad who never really reached out to him. My son has risen above, forgiven his father, and wants to reestablish a relationship.  After much searching and snooping around I located his dad and will get the card to him this week.  I hope that he chooses to reconnect with our son, so he can see for himself how he is maturing and trying his best to learn from his mistakes.  Here’s where I have to remember my powerlessness over this situation.  I can’t make his dad go see him, and I can’t fix their relationship, only he can do that.  I also can’t guarantee that his dad won’t go see him and condemn him for his addiction, and for the mistakes he has made.  So, I’m just handing this right over to the Lord, and trusting that things will work out just as they should.

I do pray that all of the father’s of addicts out there can find some peace and happiness today.  Being a father is the most important job you will ever have, and I hope your kids can appreciate that.  Happy Father's Day.

Wavin' the white flag

Powerlessness.  I wrote a list of things I am powerless over a few months ago.  As my son adjusts to prison life, and as I adjust to seeing him there, I’m learning more and more how completely powerless I am over so many things.  Accepting my powerlessness is a slow process, but I’m evolving and learning, and growing as I go along.  So is he.

In Alanon last night we wrote about why we try so desperately to hold onto our illusion of control when it comes to the addicts that we love.  The first thing that came into my mind was FEAR.  I so wanted to believe that if I cleaned up enough of his messes, and loved him enough that I could “fix” his addiction.  I was so afraid.  Afraid that if I let natural consequences occur, that he would succumb to his addiction, and that I would lose him to the disease.  Afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle the outcome.  Afraid that everything would go to pieces if I admitted my powerlessness, and just let things be.  Clearly, my stubborn refusal to admit my complete loss of control over the whole mess, didn’t work.  So, I’m waving my white flag, admitting that I really don’t control the universe, and handing things back to the One who does.  Thank you, God, for being there to catch me when I fall, and for loving me even when I tried to take over your job. Amen.