Powerlessness. I wrote a list of things I am powerless over a few months ago. As my son adjusts to prison life, and as I adjust to seeing him there, I’m learning more and more how completely powerless I am over so many things. Accepting my powerlessness is a slow process, but I’m evolving and learning, and growing as I go along. So is he.
In Alanon last night we wrote about why we try so desperately to hold onto our illusion of control when it comes to the addicts that we love. The first thing that came into my mind was FEAR. I so wanted to believe that if I cleaned up enough of his messes, and loved him enough that I could “fix” his addiction. I was so afraid. Afraid that if I let natural consequences occur, that he would succumb to his addiction, and that I would lose him to the disease. Afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle the outcome. Afraid that everything would go to pieces if I admitted my powerlessness, and just let things be. Clearly, my stubborn refusal to admit my complete loss of control over the whole mess, didn’t work. So, I’m waving my white flag, admitting that I really don’t control the universe, and handing things back to the One who does. Thank you, God, for being there to catch me when I fall, and for loving me even when I tried to take over your job. Amen.