Powerlessness. I wrote a list of things I am powerless over
a few months ago. As my son adjusts to
prison life, and as I adjust to seeing him there, I’m learning more and more
how completely powerless I am over so many things. Accepting my powerlessness is a slow process,
but I’m evolving and learning, and growing as I go along. So is he.
In
Alanon last night we wrote about why we try so desperately to hold onto our
illusion of control when it comes to the addicts that we love. The first thing that came into my mind was
FEAR. I so wanted to believe that if I
cleaned up enough of his messes, and loved him enough that I could “fix” his
addiction. I was so afraid. Afraid that if I let natural consequences
occur, that he would succumb to his addiction, and that I would lose him to the
disease. Afraid that I wouldn’t be able
to handle the outcome. Afraid that
everything would go to pieces if I admitted my powerlessness, and just let things
be. Clearly, my stubborn refusal to
admit my complete loss of control over the whole mess, didn’t work. So, I’m waving my white flag, admitting that
I really don’t control the universe, and handing things back to the One who
does. Thank you, God, for being there to
catch me when I fall, and for loving me even when I tried to take over your job. Amen.
I could have written this post! You just described exactly the process I have gone through (and I think many other mothers too.) Where ever control is, fear is usually lying not very far beneath the surface. Thanks for a very articulate post.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Annette. It really is a process. At times I am impatient with myself when I try to take back control, but then I remember "Progress, not perfection." God will help us get there, if we just keep the faith.
DeleteAnnette said what I was going to say! I guess that proves that so much of what we feel is typical of most parents of an addict. I really loved how you articulated this, such a great reminder of how we need to let go of control!!!! And let God be in control of all.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Bar. I hear these same thoughts in one form or another every week at our Alanon meeting. I think we all struggle with giving over control. It's good to know that, like a loving parent, when we finally surrender God is right there waiting with open arms, wondering what took us so long.
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