Saturday, July 6, 2013

Searching for serenity

I haven’t been a very good blogger lately.  I’ve been reading other blogger’s posts and commenting on a few, but my heart has been heavy.  When my heart is heavy it’s hard for me to share my thoughts.  I’ve been inside of my head way too much lately, but today is a better day.  I’m not sure why, but it might be because I went into my classroom and worked most of the day.  That kept my mind occupied with something other than my son’s dilemma.  I'm looking forward to the new school year starting next month. Sounds crazy doesn't it- wanting my vacation to end?  When I'm teaching I tend to throw my entire self into it, and it keeps my mind occupied.

Clearly I have a long way to go in my search for serenity in the midst of turmoil.  I’m learning that I have a lot of work to do on myself.  Learning trust, acceptance, and surrender is not coming easily for me.  It’s going to take time, I know this, but I’m impatient with myself.  I wish I could just flip some kind of switch and get my mind where it needs to be, but at the same time I know the lessons I am meant to learn from all of this are going to be a process.  Just when I think I’m making progress in coming to terms with my son’s arrest, there’s another hearing and I feel like I’m back at square one.  I’ve been to three hearings so far, and I always feel like I’ve been run over by a truck by the end of the day.  They are exhausting to me.  I have a bit of a break right now though because his next hearing won’t be until the end of August.  I know he is better off in jail than out on the streets feeding his addiction.  I know where he is, that he has a roof over his head, and food to eat.  It’s the thought that he may have to spend 20 years in prison that is driving me a little crazy these days. 

I have been reading a lot of fiction this summer.  I guess you could say that reading is my escape.  I get lost in the book, and it gives my mind a rest from wondering about my son.  One of the books I was reading posed a question; what would happen if we all had the number of days we have left to live posted on our foreheads? Would we live each day differently? Would we treat each other with more kindness?  I know, it’s kind of morbid, but that was very thought provoking to me. Let’s say, for example, I only had 10 days left to live.  Surely, I wouldn’t spend my last ten days in fear and worrying about how long my son will have to spend in prison.  I like to think that I would spend those last days the way the Lord intends for us to live our lives, loving others, loving ourselves and treasuring each precious moment.  So it caused me to wonder, what am I waiting for?  There is no guarantee that I will be around tomorrow, so why can’t I just treasure each day for the gift that it is and stop causing myself so much suffering?  I wish I knew the answer to that. It’s food for thought.

So, do you see what I mean about being inside of my head a lot lately?  Sheesh!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can (myself), and wisdom to know the difference.  Amen.


  1. Sometimes, at least for me, I think I feel guilty for worrying. Let go and let God is so engrained into me that I feel as if I'm a failure if I can't let something go or if I let it go and take it back. Sometimes, I think if I could only learn to give myself permission to worry...I might actually let some of my stinkin' thinkin' go.

    I don't know if that makes any sense whatsoever but I can almost hear the voice of Joyce Meyer reprimanding us for worrying...or worrying about what we are worried about, lol.

    1. I feel guilty about worrying too. The amount of guilt we lay on ourselves is really crazy isn't it? I know that worrying is a sign that I'm not trusting the Lord completely, and yet I fight it every day. Old habits die hard. I guess we really do need to give ourselves permission to be imperfect. God knew we wouldn't be perfect, that's why He sent His son, so maybe we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. Progress, not perfection is something I have to tell myself several times a day. Thanks for your input, Summer.

  2. Thought provoking - indeed! What a concept. I wonder what it feels like to just live each day for the day and be thankful we have it. I have a hard time with that too. I'm always worrying about things that haven't happened, or things that have happened in the past that I can't change. Your post is really good food for thought.