I
love this quote by Abraham Lincoln. “ I
have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I
had nowhere else to go.”
There
is much to be learned as I travel this journey with my son. I believe the lessons I’m meant to learn are
trust, acceptance, and surrender to the fact that I can’t do it on my own. It’s been almost a month since I learned of
my son’s relapse and arrest. When I first found out, I felt like I had been
punched in the stomach. I had a hard
time eating and was afraid to go to sleep at night because of the awful dreams
that would wake me up over and over again.
I’m slowly coming to a better place in my mind. I’m even finding peace and contentment in my
life again. When this first started I
would find myself feeling guilty when I was enjoying things that I knew my son
wouldn’t be enjoying for a long time.
His favorite meal, or band, even the fact that I was free to come and go
as I please, could be a trigger for my guilt.
I’m learning the complete futility (and insanity) of those thoughts.
The
good news is, I’m coming out of the fog.
Of course some days are easier than others, but gradually the good days
are outnumbering the bad. The bad days
are always the days when I’m in a state of non-acceptance, or when I’m focusing
on the past or the future instead of the present. I know those days are part of the process. So, I allow myself those times of sadness,
and I lock myself in the bathroom, and I cry.
It’s ok to cry sometimes.
It’s
also ok to go on with my life and, yes, even enjoy it. The Lord is keeping His promise and is
bringing good out of what was meant for our harm. The good He is bringing in both my life and
my son’s life is a renewal and a strengthening of our faith. The reason I love the quote I mentioned is
that I have been brought completely to my knees with the realization that I can’t
make it without the Lord’s help. Not
only has my love for the Lord grown, He has been reminding me how much He loves
my son and me. There is no better
feeling than knowing that no matter how much I love my son, He loves him even
more. I am at peace with that knowledge.
“Search
me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out
anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting
life.” ~ Psalm 139:23-24
I see progress! It's sad our progress means we are detaching from our precious children but I truly believe our higher power knows best! I think ultimately, we will be reunited but we have to let things play out.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sheri. Standing back and just letting things play out in the Lord's perfect timing is exactly what I'm working on. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but by the grace of God I'm getting there.
DeleteI'm so glad you're letting yourself be happy. Or at least be happy sometimes, because those unhappy moments do creep in and when they do, your'e right, all you can do is just cry. But then you (we - not trying to sound preachy because I'm talking about myself too, here) have to pick up our big girl pants and get on with it - for ourselves and for the other people in our life that love us.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your son is doing better too - you mentioned he feels a strengthening of his faith happening also. That's really good.
I love the Abe quote. Those are powerful words.
Thanks for your reply. I'm just coming to realize that I can't let what has happened with my son take over my life. I can't help him or anybody else if I let myself drown in "if onlys." It's not fair to the rest of the family for me to walk around like a zombie. So I will get back up, dust myself off, and go on. It does help that my son isn't becoming bitter and angry, but instead is reading the Bible and learning to trust the Lord again.
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