I love this quote by Abraham Lincoln. “ I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go.”
There is much to be learned as I travel this journey with my son. I believe the lessons I’m meant to learn are trust, acceptance, and surrender to the fact that I can’t do it on my own. It’s been almost a month since I learned of my son’s relapse and arrest. When I first found out, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I had a hard time eating and was afraid to go to sleep at night because of the awful dreams that would wake me up over and over again. I’m slowly coming to a better place in my mind. I’m even finding peace and contentment in my life again. When this first started I would find myself feeling guilty when I was enjoying things that I knew my son wouldn’t be enjoying for a long time. His favorite meal, or band, even the fact that I was free to come and go as I please, could be a trigger for my guilt. I’m learning the complete futility (and insanity) of those thoughts.
The good news is, I’m coming out of the fog. Of course some days are easier than others, but gradually the good days are outnumbering the bad. The bad days are always the days when I’m in a state of non-acceptance, or when I’m focusing on the past or the future instead of the present. I know those days are part of the process. So, I allow myself those times of sadness, and I lock myself in the bathroom, and I cry. It’s ok to cry sometimes.
It’s also ok to go on with my life and, yes, even enjoy it. The Lord is keeping His promise and is bringing good out of what was meant for our harm. The good He is bringing in both my life and my son’s life is a renewal and a strengthening of our faith. The reason I love the quote I mentioned is that I have been brought completely to my knees with the realization that I can’t make it without the Lord’s help. Not only has my love for the Lord grown, He has been reminding me how much He loves my son and me. There is no better feeling than knowing that no matter how much I love my son, He loves him even more. I am at peace with that knowledge.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” ~ Psalm 139:23-24