Friday, June 6, 2014

Wavin' the white flag


Powerlessness.  I wrote a list of things I am powerless over a few months ago.  As my son adjusts to prison life, and as I adjust to seeing him there, I’m learning more and more how completely powerless I am over so many things.  Accepting my powerlessness is a slow process, but I’m evolving and learning, and growing as I go along.  So is he.

In Alanon last night we wrote about why we try so desperately to hold onto our illusion of control when it comes to the addicts that we love.  The first thing that came into my mind was FEAR.  I so wanted to believe that if I cleaned up enough of his messes, and loved him enough that I could “fix” his addiction.  I was so afraid.  Afraid that if I let natural consequences occur, that he would succumb to his addiction, and that I would lose him to the disease.  Afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle the outcome.  Afraid that everything would go to pieces if I admitted my powerlessness, and just let things be.  Clearly, my stubborn refusal to admit my complete loss of control over the whole mess, didn’t work.  So, I’m waving my white flag, admitting that I really don’t control the universe, and handing things back to the One who does.  Thank you, God, for being there to catch me when I fall, and for loving me even when I tried to take over your job. Amen.

4 comments:

  1. I could have written this post! You just described exactly the process I have gone through (and I think many other mothers too.) Where ever control is, fear is usually lying not very far beneath the surface. Thanks for a very articulate post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Annette. It really is a process. At times I am impatient with myself when I try to take back control, but then I remember "Progress, not perfection." God will help us get there, if we just keep the faith.

      Delete
  2. Annette said what I was going to say! I guess that proves that so much of what we feel is typical of most parents of an addict. I really loved how you articulated this, such a great reminder of how we need to let go of control!!!! And let God be in control of all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Bar. I hear these same thoughts in one form or another every week at our Alanon meeting. I think we all struggle with giving over control. It's good to know that, like a loving parent, when we finally surrender God is right there waiting with open arms, wondering what took us so long.

      Delete