Relapse and arrest

When our kids are in recovery, we hope, and we pray that it will be lasting, that this will be the one that “sticks,” and that we will never again have to live the nightmare of loving an active addict.  I so believed that my son was going to make it, and that he had found the strength to stay clean for good.  But this was not to be.  He was arrested again earlier this week which is how I found out he had been using again.  It was pretty easy for him to hide it from me since he is living almost 200 miles away. Recently though, I had felt that awful feeling in my gut that something wasn’t right.  I just didn’t want to believe it.  For almost a year he had done so well, and had come so far.  I’m crushed, and still reeling from it all.  I guess the first couple of days after I found out, I was numb and in shock.  Now, the reality is starting to sink in, and I hate it.

There is no way he will avoid prison now.  I don’t know yet for how long, but it will be several years.  He was never violent, didn’t deal, and wasn’t out robbing convenience stores for drug money, but our state shows no mercy for meth addicts. Convicted murderers sometimes get less prison time than meth addicts.

As I try to come to a state of acceptance and surrender to what has happened, I am trying to find things to be grateful for.  When I can manage to do that in the midst of life’s challenges, it helps me get through.  I will always be grateful for the months that he was clean and I had my son back.  I will cherish those months for the rest of my life.

I found this prayer today on the Proverbs 31 Ministry Facebook page.  It was exactly what I needed to see.

“Lord, I am so sad. My heart is broken. But I praise Your name!!! You are God and You are in control. I thank You for never failing to give us our daily bread. You never break Your promises. Thank you for giving me peace in a midst of trouble. I love you, LORD. I place my hope in You. {Lord, be my satisfaction.} In Jesus' Name, Amen.”

My Mother's Day Wish for MOAs

On Mother’s Day my sincere prayer for all of the mothers of addicts out there is that, today and every day, you find peace, strength, and comfort.  May we rest assured that the good Lord who loves us and our addicted or recovering children more than we can even understand, is there for us every step of the way, and that we need never travel this road alone.

I remember last Mother’s Day as if it were yesterday.  My son came by in the morning disheveled, and probably high.  He wished me a happy Mother’s Day and promised to be back later to eat at the family get together I had planned.  He didn’t come back.  His chair sat empty, and even though similar scenarios had happened many times over the years, my heart still hurt, still wanted to believe he would show up.  Addiction is a cruel master.  This year he is in recovery, but still faces the consequences of his actions while addicted.  His hearing is next week, and I have to face my complete powerlessness over the outcome.  He faces a possible 7-12 year sentence. So, I pray, and I work on surrendering and handing my son completely over to the Lord.  It’s hard, and I know that no matter how hard I fight it, I will wrestle with my fears, and I will have sleepless nights.  The only thing that gets me through is knowing that Jesus walks with me, and He walks with my son.  Whatever the court’s decision is, He will give us strength to make it through.  One day at a time.

Stop Urban Outfitters

The is on the www.drugfree.org website.  Let Urban Outfitters know what you think of these unacceptable products.  I just found out about this, and at this point can find no words strong enough to express my outrage about these unacceptable products.  When I can get my thoughts put together though, I intend to send the company CEO an email, and if enough of us follow through with this, they will surely listen.

Stop Urban Outfitters From Selling Products that Promote Prescription Drug Abuse

By Candice Besson | May 1, 2013 | 8 Comments | Filed in Our Blog

Urban Outfitters, the national retail store popular with teens, is currently selling pint glasses, flasks and shot glasses made to look like prescription pill bottles. These products make light of prescription drug misuse and abuse, a dangerous behavior that is responsible for more deaths in the United States each year than heroin and cocaine combined. Medicine abuse has increased 33 percent over the past five years with one in four teens having misused or abused a prescription drug in their lifetime. Combined with alcohol, the misuse and abuse of prescription medications can be especially dangerous, making the Urban Outfitter Rx pint and shot glasses and flasks even more disturbing.

As recent research from The Partnership at Drugfree.org shows, teens and parents alike do not understand the health risks associated with the misuse and abuse of prescription drugs. In fact, more than a quarter of teens mistakenly believe that misusing and abusing prescription drugs is safer than using street drugs.

Tongue-in-cheek products that normalize and promote prescription drug abuse only serve to reinforce the misperception about the dangers associated with abusing medicine and put more teens at risk.

Ask Urban Outfitters to remove these products from their stores and website immediately. Feel free to use the information above to help make your point.

CONTACT INFORMATION FOR Urban Outfitters:

Send an e-mail to:

Richard A. Hayne; CEO & Chairman
richard.hayne@urbanout.com

Write a letter:

Urban Outfitters, Inc.
5000 South Broad St
Philadelphia, PA 19112-1495

Sign this Facebook Causes petition:

http://www.causes.com/actions/1749784-stop-urban-outfitters-from-selling-products-that-promote-prescription-drug-abuse

Update about his hearing.

I realized today that I hadn’t updated about how my son’s hearing had gone.  It was uneventful.  He didn’t even appear before the judge.  The two attorneys went into a back room and talked briefly, and when they came back in his attorney asked to set a preliminary hearing date for the end of May. My son’s attorney is a public defender and it seemed to me that he hadn’t spent much time even looking at my son’s case before court.  I’m sure they’re overworked and underpaid.  So, anyway, that’s it in a nutshell.  His preliminary hearing is set for the end of May.  He will enter a plea then, and the prosecutor will recommend a sentence.  I’m not sure how to feel about it all.  My stomach seems to tie itself up in knots the before a hearing no matter how much I try to calm my anxieties.

 I have to look at the extra time between hearings as a good thing because it gives him more time to try to find a job.  I’m sure it will look better for him if he has a job and is being productive.  He’s finding though, that jobs are not easy to come by when you have court hearings pending and an arrest record.  These are the consequences of his addiction, and they are harsh.  I ache for him, but at the same time realize I am powerless over the outcome.  I’ve written letters of support to the prosecutor, and so have several others, but that is about all I can do. 

I continue to enjoy spending time with my son now that he’s sober.  I don’t know what the future holds, and I’m not meant to know.  I’ll just keep on taking one day at a time, with faith.  

Don't suffer in silence

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline '1-800-273-TALK (8255)'.

 On Friday, April 13^th, 2001, two days before his 70^th birthday, my dad took his own life.  He drove to the cemetery where my sister is buried, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger.  Why, and what could I have done to help? Those are the questions that haunt me every April as the anniversary of my dad’s suicide approaches.  That’s the torment that suicide leaves behind.

I had just returned to work after buying Dad’s birthday gift on my lunch break when the sheriff came and told me that my mom needed me.  When I got to her place I was told what happened.  Nobody saw it coming, but as I struggled with trying to figure out why, I saw little signs that he had probably planned it several months in advance.  He had made sure that he and mom were set up in a nice retirement community where he knew she would be surrounded by other widows who would take care of her.  He was never very demonstrative with his love, but on my birthday in February he had brought a single rose to me while I was at work and had given me a hug.  My dad rarely gave hugs.  In March he had come by my place and cleaned my lawn mower and sharpened the blades.  I believe those little acts of kindness were his way of saying good-bye. 

He left a 6 page letter for my mom, trying to explain why he had decided to commit suicide.  He had suffered a minor stroke a few months earlier, and even though he had fully recovered, he couldn’t stand the thought that he would have another and possibly be left unable to care for himself.  I know that, indeed, the stroke was part of it.  However, Dad was an alcoholic.  I believe the main reason for his suicide was untreated depression that he self-medicated with alcohol.  Dad was a very proud man, and would never ask for help for what he saw as a weakness.  I believe he had been depressed most of his life, and when my sister succumbed to cancer at the age of 28, his drinking increased.  There seemed to be no way to rescue him.  I wish that I had been more educated as to the signs of suicide and had known about the Lifeline number. The heartbreak left in the wake of Dad’s suicide remains unhealed.  I cannot visit my sister’s grave without the memory of his last awful moments on Earth. 

I don’t write this to scare anyone, or bring anyone down.  Rather, I hope that maybe somebody contemplating suicide will read it, and get the help they need.  Addiction and depression do not have to be terminal.  Please don’t suffer in silence.  There is hope for those who somehow find the strength to ask for it.

I’ve posted the poem I wrote for my dad’s funeral, but I’m re-posting as a tribute to his life.  I love you Dad.

Last Farewell

How hard it is to bid farewell

To you, my dearest Dad.

All my life you’ve been right there

If I just reached out my hand.

A strong pair of arms to help me,

When mine were just too weak.

An open door to welcome me,

When shelter I did seek.

How I wish I could have helped you

The way that you helped me,

And given you the comfort

That your troubled heart did need.

But sometimes the world is just too much

For a tender heart to bear.

You could find no respite

In your hour of dark despair.

So rest now my dear Father,

Enjoy your well-earned peace.

And know that you live on

In the memories I keep.

I will see you in each sunrise

That God paints across the sky.

I will feel you in each cooling breeze

That gently dances by.

I will hear you in the springtime songs

Birds sing to greet the day.

And I will not forget you, Dad

Or all your caring ways.

Stay safe within our Savior’s arms,

Until we meet again.

April 2001