I am thankful for......

One thing that I’ve learned through this whole journey is that taking time to be grateful helps me when I find myself caving in to fear and depression.  It’s so hard to do when it feels like my world is collapsing around me, but when I force myself to do it, it always helps.  There have been so many times in my life when the Lord has revealed His goodness and mercy to my loved ones and me. 

            Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so I am making a “gratitude list.”  I am thankful for:

• ·      God’s unfailing love, grace, and mercy.  I don’t know where my son or I would be without it.
• ·      My health.
• ·      My incredibly supportive husband who has been my rock through many ups and downs.
• ·      My 3 children, who have each taught me many lessons, in a way that only they could.
• ·      Each day of my son’s sobriety
• ·      My spunky 83 year old mom, whose faith, humor, and strength are my inspiration.
• ·      The privilege of teaching kids, and letting them know they are special and loved.
• ·      The lessons of trust and faith that I am learning through the nightmare of addiction.  Only the Lord can bring good out of incredible evil.
• ·      The parents of addicts who pour out their hearts and souls in their blogs.  You have helped me keep my sanity by sharing your pain, compassion and wisdom.  You are all my heroes.  God bless each of you.

My symptom-Anxiety

“I pray that I may not fall into the error of anticipating trouble.  If it should come, let me meet it with equanimity and love.”  One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

                        The holiday season is bittersweet.  It can, and does, stir up all kinds of emotions for me.  I have such sweet memories of holidays past, in the time of innocence and youth.  I look through old photo albums, and I’m glad I didn’t know then of the pain that addiction would bring to our future.  I’m glad I didn’t know that addiction would cost my dad his life, and that my son’s addiction would cause such suffering.

            Right now, things remain stable.  My son is working and still living in a halfway house.  I am glad that he is 180 miles away from his old “friends.” He voluntarily attends 12 step meetings and goes to church on Sunday.  I hope to be able to visit him on or near Thanksgiving.  We truly have much to be thankful for.

            So, why then do I sometimes feel this anxiety well up inside of me and squeeze my heart like a giant hand? I guess all of those drug-addicted years took their toll.  The fear and dread of late night phone calls, or even worse-the complete lack of communication that left me wondering if he was dead or alive.  Those things left scars.  Remnants of that anxiety still lingers, although at least it’s not so constant now.  I try to catch it as soon as it raises its ugly head, and whisper a quick prayer.  The Lord has been teaching me to let go and let Him.  The anxiety is my symptom of the family disease of addiction.

           

            As I look at the date of my last post, I realize it’s been almost a month since my last post.  It’s such a busy time of year, but I want you to know that I still read and keep up with your posts each day.  I pray for all addicts and the people who love them every day too.  I pray for comfort, healing, wisdom, strength……….and hope.

Collateral damage

We went to visit my son at the halfway house Saturday.  It’s a long drive that takes up most of the day, but at least it’s within driving distance.  My oldest daughter was visiting and hadn’t seen her brother since before his arrest.  I read on another blog that the addicts don't intentionally cause pain to the people who love them, rather we are "collateral damage."  That makes sense to me.  My oldest daughter was part of the collateral damage.  She was visiting on that awful day in May when I found out he was using again and that it was out of control.  She held me as I cried.  It was a strange role reversal as she wiped my tears away and tried to comfort me like I used to comfort her when she was a child. She sat with me and pleaded with me as I told my son that he would either need to accept my offer for rehab, or leave our home.   She was sad, scared, and angry with her brother for the pain that his addiction was causing.  

So, when I asked her to go with me to visit him, she was nervous about it and didn’t know what to expect.  I’m so glad she was able to go.  He apologized to her for his behavior, and they made their amends.  It was very healing for both of them.  We had such a good visit and she was able to see, first hand, the change in her brother.  The miraculous change.  Not only does he look healthy again physically, but he’s in such a better place mentally.  One of the first things she noticed was his smile.  He has the most beautiful smile, and it had disappeared for a very long time, along with any kind of joy in his life.

            On another note, the girl he was arrested with is now in the rehab facility he just left, so she is in the same town as my son.  That presents a whole new set of possible worries. If she isn't committed to staying clean, he doesn't stand a chance.   It is what it is though.  That is one of the things I am powerless over.  I have to turn it over to God several times every day, and I have to trust. 

            For now, I’m just grateful for my son’s sobriety, for his rediscovered faith………and for his smile.

I am powerless over........

One of the most precious blessings I have enjoyed in my son’s journey to recovery is that we have a relationship again.  He calls me just to talk, and he actually wants us to come and visit.  For the past several years, the only time I would hear from him would be to ask for money, for “rent, food, gas, etc.”  I continue to be amazed and grateful for the changes I see in him.

         Just this past week though, I realized how close to the surface my fear and anxiety are over a possible relapse.  I had left a message for him to call, and he hadn’t responded.  Since his non-responsiveness to me has always been an indicator in the past of his addiction rearing its ugly head, my immediate response was fear……..no terror.  Terror that he had relapsed.  Terror that the nightmare was starting again.  Terror that I was losing him all over again.  As it turned out he hadn't responded because he had to be at work at 4:30 the next morning and was asleep when I sent the message.  He called the very next day.

         Believe it or not, I am doing a much better job in dealing with that fear than I used to.  I know the paragraph above doesn’t sound like it, but I used to be much worse.  I am better at catching the anxiety when it begins, saying a quick prayer, and handing it over to God.  But the fear is still there, still lurking, just waiting for a trigger.

         Anyway, I got an idea from an Alanon magazine I read called Forum.  In it a woman had posted an “I am powerless over…..” list that she had written.  I wrote my own, just to remind myself that the only person I truly have power over is myself.  No matter how much I love my son ultimately the journey is his alone.  I can let him know how much I love him and give him emotional support, but I cannot control his addiction.

Here’s my list so far.  I’ll probably add more as time goes by.

I am powerless over my son’s addiction.

I am powerless over my son’s recovery.

I am powerless over my son’s choices.      

I am powerless over whether he shows up at work.

I am powerless over the people he meets in the halfway house.

I am powerless over whether his girlfriend goes to rehab and ends up in the same town as him.

I am powerless over his girlfriend’s addiction.

I am powerless over her recovery, or non-recovery.

I am powerless over her influence on him.

I am powerless over the decision of the judicial system.

He moved

The treatment center was not able to extend my son's stay another 28 days.  That was disappointing, but there is good news too.  Part of the reason they couldn't extend his stay is that they feel he is doing so well! Also, the same day that he found out he couldn’t stay in treatment another 28 days, a halfway house located in the same town visited the treatment center and he found out they had an opening.  He talked to them about moving in, and they approved it.  So, a member of the staff helped him move into the halfway house Friday night.  He says it’s a nice place, and that so far the men he has met there seem like good guys.  Also, his counselor at the treatment center got him approved for outpatient counseling, so he will be able to continue to see a counselor. 

         Now he will be able to continue working which is such a blessing. If he hadn’t been accepted into the halfway house he would have had to quit his job and come home.  For the first time in a long time he wants to work and be productive, and I’m go glad that things worked out the way they did.

         Of course I still have to fight off worrisome thoughts about his roomies at the halfway house, but when I catch them entering my head, I try to replace them with a positive thought and a quick “I trust you Jesus.” My oldest daughter plans to come and visit us in 2 weeks, so we’ll go visit him then.  I’ll feel better after I see the house and meet some of the other guys.  It’s a long drive each way, but I’m so happy to be able to seen him sober and content that’s it’s worth every minute.  I am humbled and amazed at the work I see the good Lord doing in my son’s life.