The reality of addiction.

 This piece about the reality of addiction is one of the best that I've read.  It's worth the time to read and share.
http://debiehive.blogspot.com/2014/02/addiction-mental-health-and-society.html

Somebody please wake me up.....

Sometimes I feel as if I’m living in the middle of a bad dream. Everything involving my son right now just seems so surreal.  Just when I think I’ve come to grips with the fact that my son is probably going to spend the next several years of his life in prison, something triggers my anxiety and I feel like I’m back at square one.  It reminds me of the feelings I had when my sister, father and brother passed away suddenly.  I just couldn’t take it in.  It didn’t seem real.  

 My son’s final sentencing hearing is scheduled for the end of this month, on my sister’s birthday. The closer the date of the hearing is, the more anxiety tries to suck all of the joy out of my life.  Accepting that my son is going to prison, is accepting a loss.  A loss of the dreams I had for him.  So, I guess it’s just an ongoing process, just like the grieving process.  I know from past experiences with grieving that it will take time, and there will be good days and bad days.  The bad days really stink.  There are very few days that I don’t cry a little.  Sometimes the sadness of what my son must face just needs to be released through tears.

It helps when I remind myself that there are many things to be thankful for in the middle of all of this.  A few weeks ago, a young man in our community nearly froze to death as a result of his addiction.  He survived, but had amputations due to frostbite. His parents are good people who have been through a living hell with him.   I know if my son were actively using and out on the streets he would be in danger every single day, and that I probably wouldn’t know where he was located, or if he was even alive. At least now I know where he is, and when I talk to him now, it’s my son I’m talking to, not the addiction.  For that, I am grateful.  With God’s help, I will keep using gratitude and the knowledge of His love for both my son and me to get through the next few years.  I know the Lord will bring good from this, it's just that getting there is so hard.

A New Year

I said to a man who stood at the gate of the year,

“Give me a light that I may tread safely into

the unknown.”  And he replied, “Go out into the darkness and put your hand in the hand of God.

That shall be to you better than a light

and safer than a known way.”

M. Louise Haskins

I’ve posted this quote before, but I thought it was appropriate to post it again.  As I begin a new year, I reread the words and thought about how it still holds true in my life.  I don’t know what this year holds anymore than I knew what last year held, and that is for the best.  If I had known last January 1^st, that my son would relapse and be arrested, it would have ruined the precious time I had with him when he was free and clean.  I would have wasted who knows how many hours of my life worrying and trying to figure out a way to change the future, a future that was never mine to change. 

So, I enter 2014 not knowing what it will bring, and I’m at peace with that.  I know that if the good Lord has helped my son and I get through these past few months, He will help us get through whatever challenges we face in the coming year if we trust in Him and His love for us. 

Peace and blessings to each of you.

Update

“In the hour of adversity, be not without hope.  For crystal rain falls from black clouds.”   Persian Poem

The past several months have for sure been “the hour of adversity” for my son and I.  There have been hearings, each of which I dread, and long road trips so I can be there to support my son.    I’m not going to lie and say that I have enough control over my emotions to be completely at peace and accepting of all that has happened.  There have been days when I have been lost in an abyss of despair.  At times I have let frustration with my powerlessness over my son’s future get the better of me, and I have found myself becoming impatient and irritable with members of my family.  But, as I evolve through this process, I also find times when I have glimpses of hope, joy, and peace within my soul.  Like tiny candles in the window in the middle of the darkest night, these glimpses help me hang on and make it through each day.  There have been times when I have felt so close to Jesus that I can feel His arms around me, comforting me, telling me it will be okay, and that He will help both my son and myself through this.  Then, there have been times when I’ve cried out in my anguish and felt nothing but alone.  Despite it all, my faith won’t be shaken, and I know down deep in my soul that the Lord’s heart breaks right along with mine, and that He loves my son and I with a love that is too big for me to ever understand. That knowledge is what gets me through.  I know that God did not cause this. The Lord gave us free will, and He will not take that away from us, even when we make choices that He knows will harm us. When I catch myself worrying for my son, if I can stop and picture the Lord walking beside him, or holding him, it gives me such great comfort and peace.  That is “the crystal rain” that falls “from black clouds.”

The way it looks right now, my son will be sentenced to 18 years.  Struggling to come to terms with that has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  There is a part of me that still hopes that some miracle will happen before he is officially sentenced and he will be granted leniency, but I have to accept that it may be a very long time before I see my son outside of prison walls.   He has gone through his own acceptance process with this, in which he has felt great shame for his relapse, anger, bitterness, and depression.  The hope that I feel for him though, is that he is finding a new closeness with the Lord, and is setting goals to better himself in prison.  He has a job working in the kitchen now, which has been a blessing as it keeps his mind occupied and he is granted extra privileges like phone calls and extended visiting hours.  He’s still in county jail, but I have faith that the Lord will continue to help him become the person he has always been meant to be when he is transferred to prison.  His formal sentencing should take place within the next 6 months, and after that happens he will be assigned to a prison.

I apologize for neglecting my blog for so long.  I know I should be writing about all of it, even the dark nights, because it is all part of the journey.  My deepest respect goes to those of you who share it all, even in the midst of great suffering.

The long and winding road

The past month has been a whirlwind of emotions.  I’ve had ups, and I’ve had downs, and everything in between.  I am finding though, that the ups are starting to happen more often.  That’s progress.  I’m slowly coming to a place of surrender and acceptance. Sometimes though, just when I think I’m there, I backslide and find myself down in the pit again, but that’s all part of the process.  I’m learning to give myself permission to have whatever feelings I’m having at the time as long as I don’t get stuck in one spot for too long.  I’m learning that it’s ok to find joy in my life even though my son is in the midst of one of the biggest, and most painful experiences of his life.  Wallowing in sorrow will do neither of us any good.  I’m learning to plaster a smile on my face and stay upbeat, positive, and cheerful when I visit him in jail, even though my heart is breaking.  He needs that.

The Lord is working in my son’s life and in my life.    Jesus promised He would take what is meant for our harm, and make it work for our good, and He is staying true to His promise.  My son, of course, still has dark, crushing days, when it’s hard for him to hold onto his faith.  But in the midst of it all his faith is strengthening and he is maturing.  So, I hold onto my faith and hope, and I keep on keepin’ on, and trying my best to take one day at a time.

I found this prayer on the Proverbs 31 Ministry site, and I wanted to share.  I use it when I’m having one of those sleepless nights.  It is in the darkness that I have the hardest time stilling my anxious thoughts.

Dear Lord,

I'm wide awake tonight, facing fear yet again.

A thousand different ones taunt me. The "What If's" are overwhelming. My heart is racing and anxiety is coursing through my veins. It's hard to stay still, yet I know it's in the quiet that You speak and I hear.

Help me please. Calm my heart, mind, emotions and nerves God. Grant me shelter under Your safe haven. In Jesus' Name, amen.

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders." ~Deut. 33:12

Amazing Grace

Sometimes when we are in the middle of our darkest night, the Lord puts a candle in the window and gives us renewed hope.  I got a letter from my son yesterday and I knew when I read it that the Lord had put a candle in our window.  I have been literally worried sick about my son for the past couple of weeks because his wife told me he had mentioned wanting to give up several times.  My dad suffered from depression, which was aggravated by alcoholism, and ultimately it caused him to commit suicide. One of the legacies of my dad’s suicide, for me, is that I have this fear that it could happen again to another loved one.  So, when my son’s wife told me that he wanted to give up, I was terrified for him, and felt powerless to help him.  On Wednesday I decided to write him a letter and prayed that the Lord would guide my thoughts, give me the right words to write, and lead me to the right scripture.  I decided to write to him about suffering, and looked for scriptures about how we all suffer sometimes.  The Lord led me to 2 verses:

 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.   Matthew 26:39

And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).  Mark 15:33-35 

I wrote to my son about how much Jesus suffered, and that because of that, He understands our suffering, loves us, and wants to help.  I wrote about how in this life we will suffer sometimes, and that we need to talk to the Lord about ALL of our feelings, not just the happy positive feelings. 

Here is the part that gave me hope.  I got a letter from my son yesterday, and part of it was painful to read because he wrote about being severely depressed.  In fact he was so desolate on Wednesday of last week that he prayed that the Lord would let him die.  He said in the middle of his suffering on Wednesday there were two scriptures stuck in his head, and he just couldn’t stop thinking about them. He slept for almost two days straight and was angry when he woke up because he was still alive. Each time he would wake up, those two verses would pop into his mind.  So, on the third day (that was my “awe” moment for the week), he got my letter.  When he read the first page he saw that I had written the same two scriptures that he couldn’t seem to get out of his head.  Those very same verses were the verses that the Lord had led me to choose when I sat down and wrote my letter to him on Wednesday, the same day that he had asked God to let him die.  He told me that when he received my letter and read those same two scriptures, he knew that the Lord was telling him it’s okay to lay our suffering at His feet, and that He would help him through. My son was given the gift of hope.  The fact that the Lord put the same two scriptures on my heart and my son’s heart at the same time without either of us knowing it amazes me. 

I know we’re not out of the woods. I know my son will have to adjust to his situation, and that there will be more suffering along the way.  But I also know that the Lord will be right there with him through it all.  I needed to be reminded of that, and so did my son.  Thank you, Lord, for your amazing grace.

Perspective

Today I gained some perspective.  I found a forum where parents of prisoners can share thoughts and experiences.  As I read through some of the posts I was so humbled by what I found.  There are parents who have had kids in prison for years with no chance of ever seeing them outside of prison.  There are also parents who will see, or who already have seen, a son or daughter take that last walk ever on this earth.  There are elderly parents raising grandkids when they should be enjoying retirement.  So, today I was given the gift of perspective.  No matter what my situation has been in life, when I've looked around outside of my own little world, I've always found people who have it much worse. 

Thank you, Lord, for perspective.