I went to visit my son at the county jail on Monday. I was anxious on the 3 hour drive there. Anxious that he would be sullen, angry, or depressed-or even worse that he had turned his back on God. I prayed and listened to K-Love Christian radio as I drove, and it helped. Many of my fears were relieved when I saw my son. Although it’s painful to see him in that orange jumpsuit again, he looked better and was in better spirits than I had anticipated. He was not angry or bitter, or blaming anyone other than himself for his relapse and arrest. Of course he is anxious and worried about the possibility of spending so many years in prison, but he is holding onto his faith. The first words he spoke to me were “I’m sorry.” He spoke of how he knows the Lord has forgiven him, but he is having a hard time forgiving himself. It was so hard to sit there and watch him suffer, and be unable to hug him. I pray that he will come to a place of self-forgiveness so that he may find some peace. I had taken a copy of the Recovery Bible to give him but was told I couldn’t give him anything at all, that it would have to be mailed from a third-party, like Amazon. Frustrating, but then I have to remind myself that it’s jail, and there will be many rules and regulations that we will both have to accept.
In other news, his wife, who was arrested with him a year ago, had her hearing last week. She was given 5 years probation, but with the stipulation that she have no contact with my son. That is one of the reasons I was so worried about my son’s state of mind. I was afraid it would take away his last ounce of hope. I am learning that hope is so very important right now. She was able to speak with her probation officer though, who told her that if she is doing well in 3-6 months they might be able to get the no-contact stipulation amended. I pray that will happen, as I have come to believe that she truly does love my son.
There are so many things I am powerless over right now. So, I continue to work on acceptance and surrender. I know that the Lord is in charge and that He loves my son and walks with him through this dark valley.