He Wants to Get Married. What Would You Do?

I talked with my son yesterday and he dropped a bomb on me.  He has decided that he wants to marry his girlfriend (GF). Apparently a common law marriage can take place in jail with just their signatures and a notary.  His GF was arrested with him and faces the same charges, although he’s trying to take all the blame on himself and say the drugs were his.  Anybody who knows his GF knows that she’s been using right along with him for the past year, but that's another story.  However, she will probably get a much lighter sentence than my son, because she has no prior convictions and when they were arrested they were in his car, which was also their “home.”

            Just a little of their history.  About a year ago, they both jumped into the relationship head first and became intimate right away, before really getting to know each other.  They both lost their jobs within a few weeks of getting together.  She was on disability which paid their bills and pretty much enabled them to sleep all day and party all night. When the infatuation wore off, they began arguing and my son was no longer happy in the relationship. In fact he was pretty miserable.  I know that he truly cared for her, but why stay in a relationship that is full of so much conflict?  I couldn’t figure out at the time why he stayed because I was still in denial about his drug use, but now I get it.  I think by this time meth had so completely taken control that he didn’t have the willpower to leave that lifestyle and get a job.  It’s hard to keep a job when meth is at the wheel.  They split up about a month before he was arrested. My son told me he knew that they were not right for each other and that he had made the right decision in leaving.  GF didn’t want the split and pursued him.  They got back together just days before they were arrested.

            There are so many reasons that the two of them should not get married, I can’t even begin to name them all.  Here are just a few:

• ·      She is an addict too
• ·      If the prison my son is sent to allows conjugal visits she could get pregnant
• ·      She already lost custody of her son because of her drug use
• ·      I don’t think my son is wanting to marry her out of love, but rather out of fear of being alone

            My dilemma is this, do I tell him about my doubts and feelings about this marriage? I know that I need to "accept what I cannot change," and I will if he goes through with this marriage.  However, I wonder if I will have regrets later if I don't voice my feelings.   I was so shocked when he told me his news on the phone and I didn’t know how to react.  He sounded so happy when he told me about wanting to get married, and I could tell that he really wanted me to be happy about it too.  I hate to cast a shadow on this one bright spot he has in his life right now, but I really don’t believe he’s thinking clearly.  Right now they’re just seeing each other in passing at the jail.  They’re using their own little sign language to communicate, hence the marriage proposal.  It’s easy to “love” somebody when you’re not spending any time together and living with each other’s flaws and the personality conflicts.  I think he is seeing their relationship through rose-colored glasses right now.  My biggest fear is that she would become pregnant, and then relapse.  I don’t even want to think about the nightmare that would present.

            I’m sorry for the long, detailed vent.  I know if he has made up his mind to do this, that he will do it no matter what I say.  I’ll be saying the serenity prayer…….a lot.  I’m praying for wisdom on how to handle this.

Feeling of Isolation

Being the parent of an addict can be very lonely. Addiction is the only disease in which not only do the parents tend to blame themselves, but so do others who don’t know the nature of the beast. I’ve done my share of self-blame, but I’m working on it.  I could drive myself crazy with the “what ifs” and “should haves” but that wouldn’t do my son or me a bit of good.   I don’t know about the rest of you, but I just don’t talk about what is going on with my son outside of Alanon, my immediate family, and this blog.  I have found that unless a person has first-hand experience parenting an addict, they just don’t get it.  My husband is my son's step-dad, and it's so strange when I'm around his family for get- togethers lately,  everyone knows about my son's recent arrest but nobody mentions it.  I know it's because they just don't know what to say, but it's like the big elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about.   Even the people who show compassion really can’t understand unless they’ve walked in our shoes.  So, I just don’t talk about it.  I want to thank the followers who take time out to read my posts because I know that most of you have been there, done that, and know how it feels.  We all share the same broken hearts.  That in itself, takes away some of my feeling of isolation. 

            I printed a copy of the following poem and took it to my son when I visited him in jail, but I also want to share it with all of you.  I reread it today and realized that not only does it apply to the addicts, but to the parents of the addicts as well.  May it bring you comfort as it did me.

God Will Take Care of You

May your troubled heart
find peace and comfort in the knowledge
that you are never alone.
May God's presence ease
your trembling spirit and give you rest.
He knows how you feel.
He is ever aware of your circumstances
and ready to be your strength,
your grace, and your peace.
He is there to cast sunlight
into all of your darkened shadows,
to send encouragement through the love
of friends and family, and
to replace your weariness with new hope.

God is your stronghold,
and with Him as your guide,
you need never be afraid.
No circumstances can block His love.
No grief is too hard for Him to bear.
No task is too difficult
for Him to complete.
When what you are feeling
is simply too deep for words
and nothing anyone does or says
can provide you with the relief you need,
God understands.
He is your provider --
today, tomorrow, and always.
And He loves you.
Cast all of your cares on Him...
  and believe.

     -- Linda E. Knight

Three Answers to Our Prayers

  I need to remember that God always answers prayers.  It might not always be on my timetable, but nonetheless, prayers are always answered.  My dad’s addiction caused him to take his own life, so when I learned that my son was drinking and using, I was terrified.  It was really my worst nightmare.  So, every day since then I’ve prayed that God would help him stop.  There have been days when I’ve felt like I must be doing something wrong, that I must not have enough faith, or God would have made him stop.  Those are the days when I’m forgetting God’s goodness.  God suffers when we suffer, but He gave us free will for a reason.  Now my prayer is that He will help us learn the lessons we are supposed to learn from this journey, for there are always lessons to be learned from suffering.  At least while my son is in jail he isn’t putting poison into his body.  That is a blessing.

There is Somebody Looking for Our Lost Sheep

I went through some of my son’s few belongings today and packed them away.  I know in all probability the reality of his situation is that he will be in prison for at least one or two years, maybe longer.  Even though I’m coming to accept this, it still feels like a giant hand is squeezing my heart when I think about it.  Touching his things and packing them away was painful. I remembered buying some of the very clothes I was packing away so he’d have some nice shirts and pants to wear for job interviews.  Job interviews that never happened because of the stranglehold addiction had on his life.  How I detest addiction and what it does to good people’s lives.

            When I finished packing his clothes away I came in and tried to find comfort by reading the Bible.  God led me to read the parable of the lost sheep.  I found peace in the knowledge that even though my son is a lost sheep, Jesus will not stop searching for him, and will rejoice when He wins my son back from the grips of addiction.  Not only will I rejoice, but  Jesus will be rejoicing with me!  Thank you, Lord, for helping me find the comfort I needed today in Your Word.  To those of you reading this, remember He is looking for your sons, daughters, and loved ones too.

^“3 Then Jesus told them this parable: ⁴ “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent. “

Luke 15: 3-7

Falling Backwards into His Arms-Trust

Have you ever heard of that little game called “Do You Trust Me” where you’re supposed to fall backwards into someone’s arms and trust that he will catch you?  Well, I’ve never, not once been able to make myself do that.  Trust has never come easily for me, partly as the result of being raised with an alcoholic parent.  One thing I’m learning through this journey though is to trust God and His goodness and love. He is teaching me a valuable lesson. I trust that He will lead my son and myself out this trial, and that we will both be better because of it.  So, God, I know you’re listening…………open your arms wide because I’m ready to fall backwards into them……….I know you’ll catch me.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  Romans 5:1-4

P.S.  I don’t think I’m quite ready to “glory in my sufferings” but I’m learning that there is good to be found in the midst of sorrow.  I’m working on it, Lord.

Blessings

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again - my Savior and my God!

~ Psalm 42:11,

            It is said that addiction is a family disease, and I have to agree.  It so deeply affects everyone who loves and cares about the addict.  It’s been a month since I realized that my son was addicted to meth, and I have spent much of that month in a deep pit of despair.  But, this is going to be a long journey, and I’m beginning to realize that I can’t live the rest of my life like this.  It’s not fair to the rest of the family.

            When I told my oldest daughter about her brother’s addiction, she cried and made the comment that she didn’t want him to “take the rest of the family down with him.”  She loves her brother, but was worried about the affect his addiction was having on me.

            So, I am going to make it a point to count my blessings each day and find things to be grateful for.  Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that my family and I have been richly blessed over and over again.    I know counting blessings will be easier some days than others, but I will take it one day, one hour, one moment at a time and make it through.  I look at all of the times God has helped our family through painful, difficult times and I know how much He loves us. My youngest daughter had a brain tumor when she was 7, but she defied the odds and is alive and doing well now because the good Lord led us to the right doctors.  I am blessed with a supportive husband, 2 of the sweetest daughters a mom could ask for, good health, and a career that I love.  And someday, the sweet, smart, good-hearted son I remember from before the addiction took over will emerge, because I know he’s still in there.  I will never give up hope.  I will praise God in this storm.

A Letter from Your Addiction

I found this on a website and wanted to share.  It is a very powerful statement about the true nature of addiction.


the Letter From Addiction-

Dear Friend,

I have come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially. I want to make you restless so you cannot relax. I want to make you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you feel uncomfortable. I want you to be so confused and depressed that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody, especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the things you have done in the past and you'll never be able to let go of. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything, but me, for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to con and manipulate as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all. I want to make you wake all hours of the night screaming for me. I'm even in your dreams. I want to be the first thing you think about every morning and the last thing you think about before you blackout.

I'd rather kill you but I'd be happy enough to put you back in the hospital, another institution, or jail. But you know I'll be here waiting on you when you get out. I love to watch you go slowly insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I am causing you. I can't help but to sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.

It's amazing to watch you ignore yourself, not eating, not sleeping, not attending your personal hygiene. Yes, it's amazing how much destruction I can be to your internal organs while at the same time working on your brain, destroying it bit by bit.

I deeply appreciate how much you are sacrificing for me. The countless jobs you have given up for me, all the friends, whom you deeply cared for, you gave up for me. And what's more the ones you turned against because of your inexcusable actions. I am eternally grateful, especially for the loved ones, family, and most important people in your world that you have turned yourself against. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. After you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to keep you in a living Hell, to keep your mind, body, and soul for I will not be satisfied until you are dead, my friend.

Forever Yours,
Your Addiction