Acceptance-I'm working on it.

July 2, 2012

            I went to visit my son in jail for the second time yesterday.  It was good to see him again, but he seemed a little more distressed this time.  I have an acquaintance whose son has been in and out of jail more than once for different drug related offenses.  This acquaintance no longer goes to visit his son in jail.  He writes letters, but has decided for his own peace of mind to stop visiting.  At first I couldn’t understand how he could get to that point, but now I kind of get it.  I have compassion for him and the decision he made.  I have no intention of ever stopping my visits with my son, but I tend to torment myself for several days before the visit.  As I’ve said before the visits are bittersweet.  It’s good to see my son’s face again, that face I love so much.  But it’s stressful for several reasons.  It’s hard to see my son in pain and not be able to hug him.  Much of the staff at the jail tend to treat families as if they are somehow “less than” and are abrupt and borderline rude.  Also, seeing my son in that awful orange jumpsuit is a vision I wish I could erase from my mind forever. Since the situation isn’t going to change anytime soon, clearly my perspective is going to have to change if I want to keep my sanity.  I have to keep working on turning my son completely over to God.

            Here is an example of how preoccupied I am before and after the visits.  After we left the jail, my daughter and I went to do our weekly shopping and she was off looking for something in another part of the store.  I had a few items in my cart and apparently somebody else parked their cart close to mine.  Anyway, somehow I managed to walk off with the other person’s cart and left mine behind (that person is probably still wondering where their cart went).  A few aisles later I realized that my purse was not in my cart.  It still hadn’t struck me that I had the wrong cart.  Anyway, I thought somebody had grabbed my purse out of my cart when my back was turned.  I immediately went into panic mode.  Here’s the good news though, there are plenty of good, honest people out there.  I heard my name being announced over the intercom to report to the service desk.  Some good soul had turned my purse in, and nothing was missing!  The good Lord was giving me something to be thankful for in the midst of my despair.

            If you read my earlier post about my son wanting to marry his GF in jail and my questions about how to handle it, here is the follow-up.  He told me during our visit that they have already signed the papers for the common law marriage.  So, there was nothing left for me to do except let go and let God.  What’s done is done, so there was no point in telling him I thought he should have waited. I had taken along the letter I had carefully written  letter stating my reservations about his decision  and suggesting he might want to put some more thought into such a life-changing move. I had intended to have it given to him after I left.  I ended up bringing the letter home with me and throwing it away.   I try my best to keep my words positive and encouraging during our visits, so that is what I did.

           

            The whole day served as a reminder for me to trust God.  I have to remember that He loves my son even more than I do.  Acceptance is my word for the day.  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

           

            This Beatles song keeps playing in my head:

"Let It Be"

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be