June 14, 2012
Lately I’ve
been remembering my son before meth. He was my first baby, and when I found out I was pregnant with him, I
was ecstatic and did all the things I was supposed to do to have a healthy
baby. I ate healthy foods, didn’t drink
or smoke, and I even stopped drinking things that contained caffeine. I refused to have any drugs to relieve the
pain during delivery, because I didn’t want any drugs entering my son’s
system. Ironic, right? When he was born he was a beautiful, great
baby. He even won a local baby contest
when he was a year old. He wasn’t fussy
and was always smiling and laughing. He
was a go-getter and learned to crawl and walk early. I read bedtime stories to him every
night. When he had trouble sleeping, the
lullabies he wanted me to sing were “You Are My Sunshine,” and “Silent Night.”
Growing up he was well liked, had a good heart, and was smart and funny. He loved watching Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles, eating oatmeal pies, playing with his Hot Wheels, and listening to
Boxcar Willie. He did well in school
and brought home good grades. We went to
church together and he and his sisters went to Sunday School. We sat down each evening and ate dinner at
the dining room table and talked about our days. I taught him values, and the difference
between right and wrong. He wasn’t
perfect of course, but for the most part he was respectful to me and followed
our house rules and boundaries. I did
all the things parents are told to do to help their kids “just say no to drugs,”
including regular talks about the dangers of drug use, and giving him pamphlets to read. Even though I was doing my best to help my kids stay on track for a good life, I still blame myself, often, for my son's choices. I do try to catch myself when I start my self-inflicted shame game, and remind myself of the 3 C's that I learned in Alanon "didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it."
Things
gradually started to change when he was in high school. He started to become sullen and
uncommunicative. He started pushing the
limits with my curfews and skipping school.
When he was 17 he came home drunk one night, sick as a dog, and swore to
me the next day that it would never happen again. When I found a bag of marijuana in his jeans
I started taking him to a counselor, who assured me after several sessions that
my son was fine, and that it was just typical teenage behavior. I started taking him for regular drug tests,
and wouldn’t let him drive his car if they weren’t clean. He began to hate
school, his grades started dropping and he skipped frequently. He wouldn’t talk to me much about why he
didn’t like school, but when he did he always talked about the other boys
teasing him and being mean. He started
staying out later and later on weekends and defied my boundaries more and
more. I had taken away privileges,
including his driving rights, but his behavior continued. I felt him slipping away, but seemed to be
helpless to stop it. When he was 18 he
met a girl and soon they were living together.
After he moved out, his visits and phone calls were infrequent and when
he did call it was usually to ask for money.
He was holding down jobs, but they never seemed to last long. He would get fired after either being late
often, or just not showing up. All the
while, when I would ask him why and ask him if he was using he would look me
straight in the eye and swear that he was off drugs. I was so deep in my denial that I actually
believed him. I was the classic
enabler. I would help with rent, food,
and utilities, thinking that’s what loving parents do, they help their kids
when they’re down. I couldn’t have him
homeless or hungry could I? Hindsight is
20/20, and I would have handled things differently if I could have had a crystal
ball. I wish that I had found Alanon years ago, because that would have helped me see the reality of the situation.
This has
been our journey. I still have faith and
believe with all my heart that underneath the addiction is my beautiful, smart,
happy, and funny son. He is strong and
if he makes up his mind to beat it, he will.
Someday, he will break free from the ugly tentacles of addiction and
live the life he was meant to live.
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