May 26th, 2012
My prayers were answered yesterday and I heard from my son. In desperation, I had sent a text to his ex-girlfriend asking if she had seen or heard from him. I was astonished to get a reply from my son saying that he is ok and that they are staying with friends. I was so relieved just to know he’s safe.
All of my anxiety and worries caused me to realize though, that I’m far from perfect in working the Alanon slogan of ”let go and let God.” Just when I think I’m doing a pretty good job of trusting God, my mind takes over and I just about drive myself crazy with worry. Somehow, I must find a way to stop doing this to myself. I know it’s taking a toll on my health, and is robbing me of what should be a relaxed, joyful time of year, summer vacation. I realize I have nobody to blame but myself. My son’s circumstances are not doing this to me. It’s my reaction to the circumstances that is causing me pain. As I processed all of this with my husband yesterday, I came to realize that part of the reason I let myself obsess about my son’s choices, is that I feel guilty for asking him to leave. I’ve never had to do that in the past. I’ve never had to give him an ultimatum-get help or leave, and had to stick to it. I know, rationally, it was the only choice I could make, but it just feels so wrong in my heart. I’ve always let him know that he has a place to stay, and I’ve always known that he at least has a roof over his head and food to eat. He crossed the line though when he used drugs in our house. That was when I knew in my heart, that the addiction had taken control. So, until he gets help and gets clean, I can no longer have an open door policy. I know to change my mind on that decision would be to lose any credibility I have established with him about “meaning business.” I am trying my best to save his life.
I will continue to pray, to find reasons to be grateful, and to work on turning things over to God. As much as I love my son, I know He loves him even more.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.