May 26th, 2012
My prayers
were answered yesterday and I heard from my son. In desperation, I had sent a text to his
ex-girlfriend asking if she had seen or heard from him. I was astonished to get a reply from my son
saying that he is ok and that they are staying with friends. I was so relieved just to know he’s
safe.
All of my
anxiety and worries caused me to realize though, that I’m far from perfect in
working the Alanon slogan of ”let go and
let God.” Just when I think I’m doing a
pretty good job of trusting God, my mind takes over and I just about drive
myself crazy with worry. Somehow, I must
find a way to stop doing this to myself.
I know it’s taking a toll on my health, and is robbing me of what should
be a relaxed, joyful time of year, summer vacation. I realize I have nobody to blame but
myself. My son’s circumstances are not
doing this to me. It’s my reaction to
the circumstances that is causing me pain.
As I processed all of this with my husband yesterday, I came to realize
that part of the reason I let myself obsess about my son’s choices, is that I
feel guilty for asking him to leave.
I’ve never had to do that in the past.
I’ve never had to give him an ultimatum-get help or leave, and had to
stick to it. I know, rationally, it was the
only choice I could make, but it just feels so wrong in my heart. I’ve always let him know that he has a place
to stay, and I’ve always known that he at least has a roof over his head and
food to eat. He crossed the line though
when he used drugs in our house. That was when I knew in my heart, that the addiction had taken control. So, until
he gets help and gets clean, I can no longer have an open door policy. I know to change my mind on that decision
would be to lose any credibility I have established with him about “meaning
business.” I am trying my best to save
his life.
I will
continue to pray, to find reasons to be grateful, and to work on turning things
over to God. As much as I love my son, I
know He loves him even more.
God, grant me the
serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the
difference.
When my son was 15, he broke some rules knowing the consequence would be that he would have to leave my house. Hardest thing I've ever done, (but it was his choice, right? He thought we wouldn't go through with it. He couldn't believe we actually made him leave.) Still feel guilty about it. He was out of my house for almost a year. Some of the time he was in in-patient rehab, but most of the time he was staying with other families in the recovery group. A few times he ended up with nowhere to sleep and was "homeless". He throws that up in my face often. I just tell me that all I've ever wanted for him is the best, and that everything I've done for him is out of my love for him.
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