May 23, 2012
Yesterday as I read our local paper the headline of an article caught my eye and reminded me how close to the surface my anxieties are right now. The article stated that the body of an adult male had been found in a nearby strip pit. Since I haven’t heard from or seen my son for over a week, I felt an instant rush of adrenaline and felt my blood turn to ice. I skimmed the article quickly to find the details of the body that was found. I was relieved when I read that it was a 55 year old man and realized it was not my son. I’ve been working so hard at “letting go and letting God,” and felt that I was handling my son’s homelessness pretty well until my reaction to the article made me realize that I haven’t really let go as much as I wish.
I’m trying to come to terms with living with uncertainty. I don’t do well with uncertainty, especially when it comes to my family. I will continue to do my best to trust God and the love I know He has not only for me, but for my son. I read somewhere that thanking God for our troubles helps remove their negative power over our lives. So, I thank Him for the suffering, mine and my son’s, and ask that He help each of us have the wisdom to learn the lessons we are supposed to learn from this. I have a feeling one of the lessons I’m supposed to be learning is trust. If I want to keep any kind of sanity or find serenity through all of this, I am going to have to learn to trust God with my loved ones. I’m getting better at it, but I have a long way to go still.
There is a slogan in Alanon that says “Progress, not perfection.” I will hold on to the progress I’m making and not demand perfection of myself or others.