Yesterday I was able to visit my son in jail for the first time since his arrest. It was bittersweet. It was good to see him again, but not so good to see him behind the big glass window of the jail. A mother’s first instinct when one of her children is suffering is to hug him right? I just wanted to be able to hug him, and instead we sat there talking on a crackly phone separated by that big glass window. He seemed to be handling it ok, although he had to fight off tears a couple times. Oh, how I wanted to hug him and make his tears go away like I used to when he was younger.
There was a glimmer of hope that I left with though. He is starting to realize the extent of his addiction and knows that he needs help to beat it. He is going to ask his attorney (if he ever gets to talk to him) if the court can order rehab as part of his sentencing. He is renewing his relationship with Christ, and is attending the little church service they have there in the jail. When I feel that anxiety start to build inside of me, I like to picture Jesus right beside my son and they are both surrounded in the bright white light of love. I ask Jesus to protect him and give him strength, and that helps. There is a new song out by Casting Crowns called “Jesus Friends of Sinners,” that really speaks to my heart right now. It reminds me that every one of us has sinned, and made mistakes, but He loves us anyway. I find great comfort in that.